DRACULA GETS HAMMERED

First things first: Happy 70th birthday, John. To think of all the music that you could have created for us over the last 30 years…



Okay, on to business. Halloween is coming up—probably my favorite holiday. Some of you out there no doubt remember my infamous Halloween horror movie marathons, and the extent to which I would go to celebrate the Day of Black and Orange. So from now until October 31, assuming I can stick to a weekly schedule, my blog posts will have some sort of Halloween theme.

Last week, I went to see the new vampire movie Let Me In, which was produced by Hammer Films, the recently resurrected British movie company best remembered for its classic horror movies starring the legendary Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee. Hammer’s heyday was from the mid 1950s to the late 1960s, but the company all but ceased to exist by 1977. I’m glad to see it back, and with a film that is so well done. Let Me In is engrossing, intriguing, haunting, and heartbreaking, and I declare it recommended viewing.



But that’s not what I’ll be writing about here. I bring up Let Me In only because it was produced by Hammer Films, and coincidentally enough, my dear friend Nick and I were out to dinner just recently and we got into an extended conversation about all of the classic Hammer movies. You might even say we were geeking out about them. Go ahead, say it. Get it out of your system.

Anyway, that got me to thinking about the series of Dracula films that Hammer produced, starting in 1958 with Horror of Dracula and ending in 1973 with The Satanic Rites of Dracula. All but one of the films starred Christopher Lee as the vampire lord, and Peter Cushing appeared in four of them: two as Dr. Van Helsing and two as his grandson, Lorrimer.

The entire series encompasses eight films (not counting the true oddity known as The Legend of the Seven Golden Vampires, a 1974 kung fu/horror film co-produced by Hammer and Hong Kong’s Shaw Brothers Studio, featuring Peter Cushing as Dr. Lawrence Van Helsing and Dracula in a cameo appearance—though he’s not played by Lee, who by that point had tired of the role). Of those eight films, I own all but two on DVD.

And now seems like a perfect time for an overview!

Let me start off by saying: Boy, what a spotty series!

HORROR OF DRACULA (1958)



Even this first entry, considered by most to be the best of the series, doesn't hold up all that well on close inspection. I understand the need to adapt the novel and make major changes to move things along—they only had 90 minutes to tell the story, after all. But the changes have to make sense. In the novel, Jonathan Harker is a young attorney summoned by Dracula to his castle in Transylvania to help him finalize the purchase of an estate in England. In Horror of Dracula, Harker arrives at the castle to begin his new job as an archivist for the Count’s library. Harker is really there to destroy Dracula, secretly working with Van Helsing, but Dracula doesn’t know any of that. Which begs the question: Why the hell would Dracula hire an archivist for his library? Why would a vampire care whether his book collection is in order? Did he want someone to come in and apply the Dewey Decimal System? From a character standpoint, and a logical one, this makes absolutely no sense. Still, Lee and Cushing are GREAT and the ending is satisfying enough.

THE BRIDES OF DRACULA (1960)



I don't own this one. It's the first sequel to Horror of Dracula, and it features the return of Cushing as Dr. Van Helsing, but Lee is a no-show—as is Dracula. Lee wasn’t ready to don the cape again, and steadfastly turned down Hammer’s offers to do so. I give Hammer credit for not hiring someone else to play the Count—they knew audiences would not accept anyone but Lee. To stand in for Dracula, Hammer brought in David Peel as undead pretty-boy Baron Meinster:



who kind of looked like a cross between a young Robert Wagner:



and Conrad Veidt as Gwynplaine in 1928’s The Man Who Laughs:



(Incidentlally, Veidt as Gwynplaine was the inspiration for the Joker.)

I’ve only seen bits and pieces of The Brides of Dracula over the years, but I hear it’s actually pretty good. One of these days, I’ll get around to watching it in its entirety.

DRACULA, PRINCE OF DARKNESS (1966)



This third film is okay. It’s not QUITE as good as Horror of Dracula, but it’s in the general zone. The most notable thing about it, of course, is that it marked Christopher Lee’s return to the role of Dracula after eight years. It’s essentially a haunted house story, with the haunted house being Castle Dracula. The arrival of hapless travelers who end up spending the night there serves as the catalyst for the Count’s return from the Great Beyond. As Dracula, Lee has absolutely no dialogue this time around. Supposedly, he was so disappointed in the lines that were written for him that he suggested that Dracula not speak at all, that he function solely as a silent, supernatural presence. (To be fair, the film’s screenwriter, Jimmy Sangster, has claimed that it was HIS idea to keep the Count silent, and that he never even wrote any dialogue for Dracula in the script.) The film concludes with a somewhat hokey ending for Dracula, but the cast is good and Lee doesn't need to utter a word to be effective.

DRACULA HAS RISEN FROM THE GRAVE (1968)



The fourth film in the series, this one is unfairly maligned, particularly by Lee himself. I think it's a strong entry with interesting characters, interesting interpersonal conflicts, a really strong performance by Lee, and probably the most gorgeous female to ever grace a Hammer production: Veronica Carlson (shown above), who was a fairly effective actress too. Even the male romantic lead—usually the most bland, boring, and forgettable element in a Hammer film— is interesting and well developed in this one. Portrayed by Barry Andrews, our hero is likable, fallible, and relatable. Plus, he's a dead ringer for the young Roger Daltrey! I would argue that the plot has more substance than any other film in the series, as it is as much about the still-relevant conflict between faith and reason as it is about the struggle between good and evil. And the ending is a doozie, with a particularly gruesome death for Dracula.

TASTE THE BLOOD OF DRACULA (1969)



This fifth film is a step down. It gets off to a good start, but quickly starts to stumble. Ralph Bates chews the scenery, regurgitates it, and then chews it all over again. Lee is given virtually nothing to do with the barest minimum of dialogue. The characters and even the interpersonal conflicts are little more than watered-down, far less effective retreads of what we saw in the previous film. And the ending is both incoherent and unsatisfying. It's as if they suddenly realized they had to wrap things up, so they improvised the ending on the spot on the last day of shooting.

SCARS OF DRACULA (1970)



Sixth in the series, this one broke from the line of continuity established in the five previous films and told a stand-alone story that doesn't connect with anything that came before. And it's actually one of my favorites. This time around, Dracula is actually central to the plot, Lee gets a lot of screen time and dialogue, and there's lots of nice little nods to the Stoker novel—including a moment where Dracula scales the side of his castle. Former Doctor Who Patrick Troughton gives a fantastic, memorable performance as Dracula's manservant, Klove. The only real weak elements are the male romantic lead (bland, boring, colorless, stoic-to-the-point-of-being-a-walking-mannequin), the ridiculous vampire bat puppet that can actually HOVER in mid-air, and the silly, ludicrous death they concocted for Dracula. The lead actress, Jenny Hanley, is absolutely BEAUTIFUL:



(Too bad for her that all of her dialogue was dubbed in by another actress. I dunno—she seemed to give an adequate performance. Could her line deliveries really have been that bad?)

Christopher Lee bashed Scars Of Dracula for years, saying it was the worst of the bunch. But he did a running commentary for the DVD a few years back and admitted that he didn't even remember the film—that he didn't think he ever saw the finished work. He actually made some positive remarks about some of its elements as he watched it. It was funny—he was going on and on throughout the commentary about how the Hammer films had gone wrong over the course of the series: Dracula became less and less integral to the stories, there was not enough adherence to Stoker's novel... yet none of those criticisms apply to Scars! Lee did criticize the level of sadism displayed by Dracula in this film, but I think he's off the mark. This was the first time in the Hammer series where Dracula was really FRIGHTENING, really DISTURBING. I dug it. And Lee's performance is impeccable.

DRACULA A.D. 1972



The series totally went off the rails with this seventh film. I don't have a problem with moving Dracula into the modern age—as my undying love for Marvel’s 1970s comic-book series The Tomb of Dracula will attest to. But this... it doesn't work as a horror film, because it's not scary at all. In fact, it's downright BORING. Yes, BORING—even with the delectable Caroline Munroe in a supporting role:



It doesn't work as a Dracula film, because Dracula has less screen time than ever. It doesn't even work as a reunion of Lee and Peter Cushing, because they have barely 2 minutes of screen time together and their relationship in the modern age is never established or developed. (Cushing is playing a descendant of the original Van Helsing, one who’s never met Dracula before—and doesn’t come face to face with the Count until the closing minutes of the film.) But the biggest sin is that they establish that Dracula has been gone for 100 years, and yet when he's revived, he experiences no culture shock whatsoever. It's never even dealt with! What's Dracula's reaction to airplanes? Television? Cars? You won't find out here! Take away the 1972 aspect of this film and the same exact story, more or less, could have been told in a 19th Century setting. In fact, it was—in Taste The Blood Of Dracula. Lee and Cushing gave it their all, but it wasn't enough to save this sorry excuse for a Dracula movie. Remarkably, Hammer went back to the well the following year.

THE SATANIC RITES OF DRACULA (1973)



This eighth and final film is even worse than its immediate predecessor. And it’s the OTHER movie I don’t own on DVD. Thoroughly boring with a silly, ill-conceived plot, I’ve never been able to get through this film. Seriously, I found it intolerable. Considering that this movie marked the last time that Christopher Lee would ever play Dracula for Hammer, and the last time that Peter Cushing would ever play opposite Lee as Van Helsing, it’s a travesty. Talk about ending on a sour note.

But I still get a real kick out of watching the better ones. Lee is just so damned good as Dracula— he’s the best there’s ever been, as far as I’m concerned. (Sorry, Bela). And when he’s working with even a semi-decent script, and he’s giving a substantial part to play in the story, and he’s playing opposite women as lovely as the aforementioned Veronica Carlson, well, there are far worse ways to spend 90 minutes.

IT BEGINS: TV SEASON 2010-2011

The new TV season has seemed to have shown up from out of nowhere—where the hell did the summer go? But I’m always happy to welcome back established favorites and to try out new shows, hoping that I’ll get in on the ground floor of the next 24, Lost, Sopranos, or NYPD Blue—some unique show that comes along and really changes the television landscape, specifically for the better.

We’re still in the very early stages of the 2010-2011 season, but here’s my rundown of everything I’ve seen thus far.

SUNDAY

DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES (ABC, 9 PM)



A good start. Solid season premiere. And Vanessa Williams—who I consider to be one of the most beautiful women on the planet—is a welcome addition to the cast. Hopefully the writers will serve her well, something they were not able to do with previous season-long guest-stars Alfre Woodard and Drea DeMatteo, both of whose characters became tiresome distractions almost immediately. Nice to see Mark Moses back as Paul Young, who could turn out to be a strong villain this year. But I’m sorry to see Kyle MacLachlan reduced to “guest star” status—I’m figuring his character’s days are numbered. And I’m still getting over the loss of Dana Delany from the cast. She was part of the reason I kept watching the show during its “down” periods. Other thoughts: Carlos looks like a kid without the facial hair! I found Brian Austin Green surprisingly tolerable. And most of the ladies—particularly Teri Hatcher—don’t seem to have aged a day since the show began.

BOARDWALK EMPIRE (HBO, 9 PM)



Steve Buscemi is terrific in a role that is fairly atypical for him—the big man in charge, the power player. The attention to period detail is impressive, the overall premise is compelling, the characters are intriguing, and there’s plenty of sex and violence. So what’s not to like?

BORED TO DEATH (HBO, 10 PM)



The chemistry between Jason Schwartzman, Ted Danson, and Zach Galifianakis is absolutely wonderful, and this show, now starting its second season, just keeps getting better and better. Schwartzman, as freelance writer/unlicensed private detective Jonathan Ames, is one of the most unlikely heroes you’ll ever see. His cases always end up with him in very hot water (or very hot leather, as in the second-season premiere) and his interactions with his high-living pothead editor George (Danson) and his sad-sack cartoonist best friend Ray (Galifianakis) are surefire comic gold.

MONDAY

LONE STAR (FOX, 9 PM)



Having watched the first two episodes, I declare that this is one of the very best new shows of the season. But it doesn’t matter. Because after airing those first two episodes, FOX has already pulled the plug on it. Apparently, my friend Weird Pete and I were the only ones watching it. A damn shame—it was well written, well acted (the cast included Jon Voight and David Keith, both of whom were turning in wonderful performances), the main characters were very interesting, and the plot twists kept coming fast and furious.

THE EVENT (NBC, 9 PM)



Far as I can tell, it’s trying to be a cross between The X-Files and Lost, with some of the stylistic flourishes of 24. But I couldn’t care less about any of the characters (though Jason Ritter, pictured above, has been pretty solid as the male lead). And I found the “big secret” behind the main plot, revealed in the second episode, to be utterly underwhelming—something I feel like I’ve seen a million times before. I’m giving this show one more episode to impress me, and if it doesn’t, I’m done.

TWO AND A HALF MEN (CBS, 9 PM)



Always good for a few really big laugh-out-loud moments per episode, but the increasing reliance on crude sex jokes is unfortunate. Plus, the reveal that 16-year-old Jake is now taking part in threesomes was totally irresponsible and borderline reprehensible. There’s also the fact that pretty much every single character on the show is now thoroughly unlikable. Charlie, while still funny, is becoming more and more evil, even sadistic. I’ve hated Charlie’s housekeeper Berta since Day One, and I see absolutely no reason for her continued presence on the show. (They kept her on and reduced Melanie Lynskey’s Rose to occasional guest-star status???) Jake has become a fairly repugnant shithead, and his relationship with his father is just sad and depressing. Alan still provides laughs, but he’s really pathetic now. It’s hard to root for him at this point. The only really likable character is Herb, Judith’s new husband, but he’s not a regular cast member and shows up only sporadically. And I really wish the writers would provide stronger material for the female love interests. Jennifer Taylor’s Chelsea was a one-dimensional bore who lacked any hint of a personality and did nothing but set up punchlines for all of the other characters. I fear the same fate will befall Courtney Thorne-Smith’s Lindsay—which would be most unfortunate, as Thorne-Smith is a talented actress who can handle comedy well. Thankfully, Kelly Stables is back as Melissa, one of the few female characters on the show who was actually allowed to get laughs.

WEDNESDAY

MODERN FAMILY (ABC, 9 PM)



What the hell happened? Last year, in its debut season, this show was a breath of fresh air—clever, witty, endearing, genuinely funny, with likable and believable characters put into situations that, as far as sitcoms go, were pretty down-to-earth and relatable. Two episodes into its second season, Modern Family has been utterly devoid of any of those elements. It’s just another mediocre sitcom now, with the characters portrayed as exaggerated caricatures of themselves and thrown into increasingly silly and typical sitcom scenarios. It usually takes YEARS for a sitcom to get to that point. For some reason, Sofia Vergara is now playing up her accent like never before, and her character Gloria might as well wear a big sign that says “I’m from Colombia.” To make matters worse, the writers are now portraying her as an insecure, scheming, borderline psychotic, threatened by and jealous of her young son’s female schoolmate and determined to humiliate her husband because he doesn’t believe in ghosts like she does. Ty Burrell’s Phil, who was a riot last year, is now just a dopey schmuck. In the second episode of this season, he actually admits out loud in front of his wife Claire that he hasn’t been paying attention to what she’s been saying—something he never would have done last year. Speaking of Claire, she’s now little more than a joyless, perpetually tense, tightly wound nagging machine. Yes, that was part of her nature last year, but it seems to have taken over completely. Mitchell and Cam have probably fared the best so far this season, but nothing truly FUNNY has been done with them. Their moments have either been mildly amusing (Mitchell’s dislike of public displays of affection) to echoes of better episodes from last year (Mitchell getting trapped in a confined space with a bird). Ed O’Neill’s Jay has gotten off pretty easy thus far this season, but that’s only because not much has been done with him yet. The show’s newfound reliance on slapstick humor is regrettable, and only succeeds in removing it even further from the “grounded in reality” feel it used to have. I ask again—what the hell happened?

LAW AND ORDER: SVU (NBC, 9 PM)



The cases themselves are still compelling enough--though the dialogue and the manner in which relevant characters enter a scene defy believability. Plus, we’re now three episodes into the new season, and each one has fallen apart almost completely in its final moments. Might be time to finally put this show to rest, especially with Christopher Meloni leaving at the end of the season.

THURSDAY

COMMUNITY (NBC, 8 PM)



I can take or leave this show. Sometimes it’s pretty darned funny, other times it leaves me cold. During its first season, if I missed an episode, I didn’t consider it a major loss. Two episodes into its second season, I feel the same way.

30 ROCK (NBC, 8:30 PM)



Still very fun and funny. Tina Fey remains one of the most adorable and appealing women on television and Alec Baldwin is simply brilliant as Jack Donaghy. His video messages to his unborn child in this past week’s episode were just the latest example—with a totally straight face and not a hint of irony, he quoted word for word Marlon Brando’s holographic greeting to young Clark Kent in Superman: The Movie: “My son… you do not remember me… I am your father,” thus continuing the show’s proud tradition of throwing in clever pop culture in-jokes that only us geeks would get. (“Help me, Liz Lemon, you’re my only hope!” and Rip Torn’s now deceased Don Geiss being frozen in carbonite being just two others). This is a “can’t miss” show at Casa de Greenberg.

THE OFFICE (NBC, 9 PM)



First of all, the cold opening they did in last week’s season premiere—in which the entire cast took part in a music video set to “Nobody But Me” by Human Beinz—was downright FANTASTIC. This show certainly has had its ups and downs—last season was particularly uneven—but even at its worst, The Office is better than almost any other comedy on television. Based on the first two episodes of this season, we seem to be in an “up” period—which makes it all the more bittersweet. It’s impossible for me to imagine The Office without Steve Carell, and as of now, my feeling is that the show should go off the air once he departs next May. Maybe I’ll be proven wrong, but I really don’t see myself watching the show beyond this year. All I can say is, it’s going to take some MAJOR brilliant writing and casting—I’m talking GENIUS level—to win me over.

THE BIG BANG THEORY (CBS, 8:30 PM)



I only started watching this last season, but it’s grown on me. The cast is uniformly strong and the writing is often clever. I’m actually interested in seeing how Penny and Leonard will relate to each other now that they’re no longer dating. It’s not a GREAT show by any stretch of the imagination, but it’s good enough to keep me coming back for more.

FRIDAY

SMALLVILLE (The CW, 8 PM)



I abandoned this show completely at one point, but I started watching again a couple of seasons ago, once Erica Durance’s Lois Lane became a regular cast member and the emphasis shifted from “Kryptonite Freak of the Week” to Tom Welling’s Clark Kent getting out of school and taking his first real steps to becoming Superman. The writing is sometimes sloppy, and the show’s budgetary constraints sometimes cripple the storytelling (the final showdown with Doomsday, anyone?), but I like the addition of so many other DC Comics characters—particularly Justin Hartley as Green Arrow and last season’s introduction of the Justice Society of America. Here’s hoping that in the show’s final hours, it gives us a satisfying confrontation with Darkseid—and depicts some kind of planetary mind wipe so that Lois, Lex Luthor, Tess Mercer, and pretty much everyone else who knows Clark Kent will forget that he has super powers. Otherwise, there’s really no point in him ever putting on the glasses, y’know?


REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER (HBO, 10 PM)



Very hit and miss. It all depends on who the guests are, and how much Maher feels like he has to fawn over them. Maher is notoriously smug and arrogant, and fawning doesn’t come easily to him. So when he does it, it just comes off as smarmy, insincere, and shameless show-biz phoniness, and it’s uncomfortable to watch. And it’s downright annoying when he has on inarticulate morons who aren’t well versed on current events and bring absolutely nothing to the conversation. (Did you see Dana Carvey’s last appearance on the show? I’m hoping it REMAINS his last appearance on the show.) But when he’s got a strong line-up of panelists—one that includes folks like Andrew Sullivan, Christopher Hitchens, Amy Holmes, Chris Matthews, Cornel West, Alec Baldwin, and Thomas Friedman—who can discuss the issues intelligently, eloquently, and knowledgably, it makes for good and sometimes even enlightening viewing.

So that's my rundown. What're YOU watching?

WHAT I'M WATCHING: SUMMER 2010

For me, television during the summer is akin to a vast desert, littered with reruns, brain-dead reality shows, and sporting events that I couldn't care less about. But fortunately, since early June, there have been a handful of oases of worthwhile televised product to be found among the seemingly endless sea of dreck.

These are the shows that I'm making it a point to watch until the Fall season begins:

True Blood, Season 3 (HBO)

The True Blood cast vamping it up

I've been following this series since its first episode and it's been fun to watch it grow and evolve and explore new directions and ideas with each season. I have to admit, I was wary of True Blood at first-I'm something of a vampire purist and I really dislike it when the Undead are portrayed primarily as youthful, gorgeous, courtly fops and cover girls who, aside from having fangs and some cool super-powers, seem every bit as human as they were when they were alive. There's a little bit of that in True Blood, but it doesn't apply to every vampire and it works in the context of the show and from a character standpoint. There's nice variety in the way each vampire is portrayed in True Blood, real individuality, and that's part of the reason why I got hooked on it. The cast is uniformly great, the writing is crisp, witty (sometimes it's downright hilarious), often disturbing, and always intriguing. There's plenty of sex and gore to keep jaded viewers like me satisfied, and I'm always eager to see what will happen next. The first season was good, the second season was better, and this third season is shaping up to be the best one yet.

Hung, Season 2 (HBO)

Thomas Jane and Jane Adams

As far as HBO comedies go, this will never be on the same level as The Larry Sanders Show or Curb Your Enthusiasm. Not even close. For one thing, Hung is supposed to be a comedy, but it's not particularly funny. In fact, I don't think I've so much as chuckled from it since midway through the first season. There were actually episodes of Oz that were funnier than this show. In that respect, it's a wonder that I'm still watching it. But I can't deny that the cast is good, particularly Thomas Jane, Jane Adams, and—I can't believe I'm writing this—Anne Heche. And most of the characters are likable (or at least interesting) enough that I want to see where the mildly compelling stories will take them. But you'd think there would be a lot more laughs to be gotten from the premise of a hunky, financially strapped Detroit high school gym teacher with an extraordinarily huge schwinger, who moonlights as a male prostitute for a geeky, insecure female pimp who aspires to be a successful poet.

Rubicon, Season 1 (AMC)

Arliss Howard (left) with James Badge Dale

This is kind of like a more mature, more analytical version of 24, but without any of the high-octane action or nail-biting suspense. It's certainly taking its time in terms of laying out its story. As of this writing, the show has aired five episodes and I'm still not sure what the stakes are or what the overall plot is. There's no clear villain as of yet, and other than lead character Will Travers, an intelligence analyst for the U.S. government (played by James Badge Dale, who actually co-starred in the third season of 24 but is much better here), it's hard to figure out exactly who are the good guys and bad guys—although that may be precisely the point. But I don't know. I do have some problems with the plotting—there's a subplot involving a wealthy widow played by Miranda Richardson that, so far, has been mostly off on its own, with little connection to the main plot. Every time the focus shifts to her and her storyline, my attention starts to wander. The writers really need to integrate her and her story in with the rest of the show, and quickly, because right now, her scenes have the same effect as a Keith Richards solo set at a Rolling Stones concert: they signal that you can now go for your bathroom break. The show does, however, succeed in creating a sense of unease and impending danger. And Will's immediate supervisor, Kale Ingram (played by Arliss Howard), is nearly as mysterious, creepy, and intriguing as Michael Emerson's character Benjamin Linus was on Lost. Of particular note is Ingram's boss, Truxton Spangler (played by Michael Cristofer), who is one of the most eccentric, awkward, socially inept, and downright odd characters I've seen on TV in a while, yet he's also thoroughly believable as a human being. A bravura portrayal by Cristofer. I guess I'm sticking with this show till the end of the season, but so far, it hasn't impressed me enough to make me say that I'd want to see anything beyond that.

Louie, Season 1 (FX)

Louis C.K.

Without a doubt, this is one of the darkest comedies ever produced for television. Even Curb Your Enthusiasm doesn't have as bleak an outlook on life as this show. It's gritty, realistic, and uncomfortable—too much so at times—but it still manages to be funny. Written and directed by standup comedian Louis C.K. (who recently appeared on several episodes of Parks and Recreation as Amy Poehler's cop boyfriend), this show will make you feel that your life is pretty much over once you've reached your 40s, and that by and large, people are absolute shit. But if you can get past that, you'll find some pretty brilliant humor. The storytelling is unique—and defies expectations—in that not every episode tells one story that encompasses the entire half hour. In most cases, each episode is comprised of several self-contained stories separated by commercial breaks—which is a very good way to avoid stretching out a premise that works best as a sketch.

Aftermath With William Shatner, Season 1 (Biography)

The new Odd Couple: Goetz and Shatner

Talk about a surreal viewing experience. A series of straight, serious interviews with notable and/or notorious newsmakers of the past: New York City subway vigilante Bernhard Goetz; Mary Kay LeTourneau, the pretty schoolteacher who had an affair with one of her 14-year-old students and bore two of his children—and then married him once she completed her 7-year prison sentence; former U.S. Army soldier Jessica Lynch, who was captured by Iraqi soldiers in 2003, eventually rescued by American troops, and then used as a propaganda tool by the Bush administration; and convicted killer Lee Malvo, who was one of the so-called "D.C. Snipers." All of them being interviewed by... WILLIAM SHATNER. Huh?!? Captain James T.J. Hooker Crane?!? You really have to see this to believe it. I still can't decide which is weirder: Bernhard Goetz, or Bernhard Goetz being interviewed by WILLIAM SHATNER. There's one particularly strange moment in the LeTourneau episode—and not strange in a good way: The Shat actually tells LeTourneau, now 48, and her husband, Vili Fualaau, now 27, "Your story is a beautiful story... I love your story." Really, Bill? You love a case of statutory rape? You know, there's a famous film director who would probably jump at the chance to hang out with you. I hear he spends a lot of time in France and Switzerland. (I'd like to think Shatner was really just trying to butter up Mary Kay and Vili, in order to make them feel comfortable so that they would speak candidly. But still, it was a stupid thing to say.)

I won't say these shows will one day be remembered as among the very best that television has ever offered, but, hey, when you're wandering through a desert, you have to accept any oasis you stumble upon.

THE 25 SONGS I SIMPLY CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT

A few weeks ago, my good friend, former Marvel colleague, former roommate, and fellow blogger Steve Bunche threw down the gauntlet and challenged me to list my 25 favorite songs, the ones I simply could not live without. (You can see Bunche’s list here.) Well, it’s taken me that long to put together my list. I put in a lot of thought and soul-searching—probably TOO much, since I don’t get paid a dime for writing this blog. But I can pretty much say with confidence that these are, at least at the current time, my all-time favorite songs, compiled (more or less) in order. As far as I’m concerned, the world would be a worse place had these songs not been written and recorded.

Just so you know upfront: You’re going to see a few names popping up a number of times throughout this list. Those of you who know me well will not be surprised by that, nor will you be particularly surprised by those names. I make no apologies. But there are instances where I do deviate from the predictable and show some faint signs of actually having eclectic musical tastes.

So, without further ado…

THE SACRED 25! (In some semblance of order, as of July, 2010—click on the title of each song to hear it at YouTube.)

1. “Bargain” – The Who (1971)



Despite the fact that the Beatles are my favorite band, this song takes the top spot. It comes from the classic Who’s Next album, and I fell in love with it the first time I heard it, back in my freshman year of college, 1987/88. This song, along with “The Kids Are Alright” and a couple of others, helped kick start my passion for the Who, which has continued unabated for nearly 23 years.

2. “In My Life” – The Beatles (1965)



From the landmark Rubber Soul album, a beautiful, heartfelt collaboration between Lennon and McCartney that functions both as a nostalgic look back at one’s life and an expression of true love for another person. This was the song that my wife and I danced to at our wedding. (I picked it, of course.)

3. “Substitute” – The Who (1966)



One of the other songs that ignited my love for the Who. Upon discovering it during my freshman year at SUNY at Stony Brook, I played it incessantly—much to the chagrin of the guys who lived on my hall, no doubt.

4. “Heroes and Villains” – The Beach Boys (1967)



From the aborted SMiLE album, though it was eventually released on the album that replaced it, the extremely idiosyncratic Smiley Smile. I discovered this song circa 2002, while watching a TV documentary about the Beach Boys, and I became fairly obsessed with it. Hearing this song made me realize that the Beach Boys were much more than just a surf music group—that they had evolved quite a bit from their early sound and went in some very creative and interesting directions after the early 1960s. This is another one that I played incessantly—and as a result, my wife can’t stand it now.

5. “Here, There, and Everywhere” – The Beatles (1966)



From Revolver, this is one of the greatest love songs ever written, as far as I’m concerned. The sound was influenced heavily by the Beach Boys, as evidenced by the lush, beautiful backing vocals. McCartney cites it as probably his favorite of all the songs he’s ever written, and Lennon declared it one of his favorite songs of the Beatles. I couldn’t agree with them more.

6. “God Only Knows” – The Beach Boys (1966)



From the legendary Pet Sounds album. I’d never paid it much mind until I read that Paul McCartney declared it one of the greatest songs ever written. Upon close examination, I understood what McCartney loved so much about it. It’s very odd to begin a love song with “I may not always love you”—is this about a troubled relationship, one that’s headed for a breakup? But the lyrics that immediately follow reveal the true message: “But long as there are stars above you, you never need to doubt it, I’ll make you so sure about it, God only knows what I’d be without you.” Wow. This song has come to mean a lot to me over the last few years—and I know I’m not alone. I saw Brian Wilson perform a beautiful version of it in concert at the Beacon Theater in 2006, and we gave him a standing ovation that lasted for what felt like five minutes. Wilson was taken aback by the response, and made a point to thank us for it later in the show. No, Brian—thank you.

7. “Everybody Loves You Now” (Live Version) – Billy Joel (1981)



The live version, off of Songs in the Attic, is FAR superior to the studio recording on Cold Spring Harbor. I consider this one of the greatest breakup songs of all time. It captures perfectly the anger, anguish, and bitterness that a guy feels in the aftermath of a relationship torn asunder. Let me put it this way: I listened to this song A LOT (to put it mildly) during the fall of 1991 and the early months of 1992. Nowadays, I have a lot of fun performing it with my friends Clive, Keith, and Paroo, in our little band, Clive’s Rocking Attic Party (C.R.A.P. for short).

8. “Hey Jude” – The Beatles (1968)



One of the Beatles’ masterpieces. ‘Nuff said.

9. “Suite: Judy Blue Eyes” – Crosby, Stills, and Nash (1969)



I’ve loved this song since I was a wee lad. I remember being 12 years old, going with my older sister to my very first rock concert in 1982, and hoping that the band would play it. Unfortunately, the band we had gone to see was the Doobie Brothers, who had absolutely nothing to do with this song. (What did I know? I was 12 years old!)

10. “Fire and Rain” – James Taylor (1970)



This took on even greater significance for me when James Taylor performed it at the Concert for New York in the wake of the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks, but it’s a song that I’ve always loved to listen to.

11. “Handle With Care” – The Traveling Wilburys (1988)



I just love this song. I love to listen to it, and to perform it with C.R.A.P.—which I hope it doesn’t sound like when we do it.

12. “Surf’s Up” – The Beach Boys (1971)



One of Brian Wilson’s true masterpieces, written with lyricist Van Dyke Parks in 1966 for the aborted SMiLE album. It was resurrected and completed—despite Brian’s strong protests—for the Beach Boys’ 1971 album of the same name. This is an instance where I’m glad the rest of the band vetoed Brian’s wishes. It would have been downright wrong to forever deprive the world of this, one of the best, most majestic songs in the Beach Boys’ catalog. The lyrics are both clever and tantalizingly oblique, and the music is just beautiful.

13. “Junior’s Farm” – Paul McCartney and Wings (1974)



I discovered this in high school and since then, it’s been my favorite song of McCartney’s post-Beatles career. A great example of how the man can rock when he really wants to.

14. “Darlin’” – The Beach Boys (1967)



This comes from the Wild Honey album and an era during which the Beach Boys were still exploring different areas of music and trying out new sounds. With Carl Wilson’s triumphant lead vocals, this is an exuberant song that makes me smile every time I hear it.

15. “You Make Me Feel So Young” – Frank Sinatra



My mom would be so pleased to see Francis Albert included in this list. And this is my absolute favorite Sinatra song. I love the way he performed it live, especially in the mid-1960s.

16. “You’re Nobody Till Somebody Loves You” – Dean Martin



There are certain songs on which Dino sounds like he was having the time of life during the recording sessions. This is one of them. Other examples: “Ain’t That a Kick in the Head” and “Baby It’s Cold Outside.” This is my favorite—I like the arrangement, Dean’s vocals are top-notch, and the lyrics are clever.

17. “Come Dancing” – The Kinks (1983)



What a great song! Loved it as a kid. Many years later, I was on one of my first dates with the gal who became my wife. We were at the Abbey Tavern in NYC (now long gone, unfortunately), and this song started playing on the jukebox. Much to my delight, I discovered that she liked it too and knew all the lyrics. So we sang it together at the bar. Good time.

18. “Voices Carry” – ‘Til Tuesday (1985)



Loved this song in high school and rediscovered it a few years ago. It’s been a fixture on my iPod almost since the day I got it.

19. “I Am an Animal” – Pete Townshend (1980)



One of the lesser known songs from Townshend’s fantastic solo album Empty Glass, but it’s a real gem, and one that I simply can’t get out of my head. It doesn’t bother me at all that I only THINK I know what it’s about. (Unfortunately, the album version of the song doesn’t seem to be available on YouTube. Just take my word for it—it’s great.)

20. “The Door Into Summer” – The Monkees (1967)



My favorite Monkees song. This is on their album Pisces, Aquarius, Capricorn & Jones Ltd., and features great vocals from Mike Nesmith and Micky Dolenz. I loved the Monkees’ TV show when I was a little kid in the mid-1970s, but then I discovered the Beatles and, as a result, I left “the Pre-Fab Four” in the dust. But I started listening to their music again around 1992, and this song really stood out. When I hear it nowadays, it usually brings back fond memories of my early days at Marvel Comics. I’d be working in the office of my boss, Executive Editor Bob Budiansky, and listening to this song on my Walkman as I sat at Bob’s computer and typed in text for the “Marvel Masterpieces” trading cards set...

21. “Slip On Through” – The Beach Boys (1970)



Written (and with lead vocals) by Dennis Wilson, this was the first song on the Beach Boys’ criminally underrated Sunflower album. Funky, progressive, and just plain cool. Hearing it for the first time, I was thunderstruck: “This is the Beach Boys?! Whoa!” I just love it, and I recently learned how to play it on guitar.

22. “The Other End of the Telescope” – Elvis Costello (1996)



I’m a bit put off by his politics of late, but I still consider myself an Elvis Costello fan, and this song, more than any other, is the one that I keep coming back to. Co-written with Aimee Mann, it was first recorded by ‘Til Tuesday in 1988 (with Costello providing backup vocals). But I prefer Costello’s version, which was released on his album All This Useless Beauty. I’ve even performed it a few times with C.R.A.P. Fortunately, no recordings exist of these performances. (But UNfortunately, the Costello version doesn’t seem to be available on YouTube.)

23. “The Song Is Over” – The Who (1971)



Another gem from Who’s Next, which is an album full of gems. It’s a “sister song” to “Pure and Easy,” the next entry on this list. Both songs were originally intended for the concept album that ultimately became Who’s Next. The connection between the two songs survived, however, as “The Song Is Over” ends with lyrics from “Pure and Easy.” Great lead vocals from both Pete Townshend and Roger Daltrey, and strong piano work by Nicky Hopkins. In college, I used to jot down some of the lyrics to this song in my notebook, when I got bored in class and struggled to stay awake.

24. “Pure and Easy” – Pete Townshend (1972)



I fell in love with this song upon hearing it for the first time, during the summer of 1988. I discovered it just as I was starting to get into the Who and learned that Townshend had put out a number of solo albums. This comes from his first solo project, Who Came First. It’s actually a fully realized demo that Townshend recorded on his own, for the Who album that ultimately became Who’s Next. The Who recorded two different versions of the song in the early 1970s, with Daltrey on lead vocals. One version was released on the band’s 1974 Odds and Sods album (a collection of rarities, outtakes, and leftovers), while another didn’t get an official release until 1995, when it was included as a bonus track on a CD reissue of Who’s Next. Both of the Who’s versions are fine, but the Townshend solo version is downright spectacular. Townshend’s sweet, youthful, earnest voice has a sense of innocence and wonder that suits the song perfectly, and that Daltrey could never quite capture.

25. “My Old School” – Steely Dan (1973)



I have to thank my college buddy Ken Strauss for introducing me to this song. He played Steely Dan all the time in his dorm room, and as I was always hanging out in there, I got to hear a lot of their stuff. This is the one that really “spoke” to me, though, and it has since become an all-time favorite of mine. Listening to it nowadays always takes me back to that time, and triggers some great memories.

I suspect this list will be different a year from now--maybe even six months from now. But not by much!